The Scars Beneath
by Majorcarterwannabe
Summary: Brennan is keeping a dark secret from everyone, will Booth notice and can he help? Warning rated M for dark images, and sexual situations in later chapters.
1. IntroFoster Care

Disclaimer: The only things mine are the original characters and plots. No copyright infringement is intended. (Its not like I'm making money from any of this)

And a special thanks to my wonderful boyfriend for being a muse and bouncing board. :)

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"_Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" – Iris by Goo Goo Dolls_

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It all started when she was just another "orphaned" child in the foster care system. She'd been in the system until she turned eighteen, but even Booth didn't know that, she told all her close friends that she'd been rescued by her grandfather, but she'd never had grandparents. She'd been truly alone in the world, getting herself through college on scholarships and whatever odd jobs she could find, mostly modeling for art classes and babysitting banks of computer servers in the dead of night as they backed up the day's work.

But as she was saying, it started when she was a foster child, after a few months in the system she'd already been through three different homes all of which had treated her badly. She'd become numb, she felt nothing at that point, and she still couldn't pinpoint where she'd gotten the idea, but one night she had the handle of a broken plastic fork and she used it to shallowly cut across her wrist. She'd had the highly visible cuts for weeks before they finally healed, yet no one noticed, or no one cared, she still wasn't sure which, but that only fed her numbness, so a month of two later she found herself again using that broken fork on herself, and that cycle of cuts and invisibility continued until she was out of the system and away at college. That's when she had a good friend named June who'd yelled at her the moment she'd seen the fading scars from the latest round of cutting.

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Please don't review if you're just gonna to complain about Brennan being emo or the way I'm isolating one line of a great song. Otherwise reviews are welcomed and appreciated. Thanks for reading.


	2. Two Bodies in the Lab

She truthfully hadn't even considering cutting herself again, having found that satisfying biological urges and taking up all types of martial arts were much healthier ways of combating the loneliness, the emptiness, the despair, the insecurity. Yet here she was sitting in the bath, years later looking at a fresh batch of cuts on her wrist. She could barely remember coming home from visiting Booth in the hospital and seeing the space where her had once stood and then there was a flash of the agony she'd felt knowing she was going to die for no reason and the worry she'd felt for Booth, and next thing she knew she had several shallow cuts on her wrist. She knew they were shallow enough to pass off as some scrapes from when she was restrained by Kenton, and she could only hope that Booth and Ange didn't notice her lie or think too much about what was used to tie her up.


	3. The Woman in Limbo

Slight spoiler for The Man in the Morgue.

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The next time she found herself sitting in her living room, Russ had just left, getting a call from someone named Amy that Hayley was asking for him. Temperance didn't understand how she could be so alone when she finally found a group of friends that she considered family. Booth had left the night saying something about Parker and seeing her on Monday, and no one had called to see how she was handling her mother's murder or the fact her father was obviously still alive but didn't want to know her or vice versa.

She knew she shouldn't be doing this, yet not doing it felt wrong. She knew that she would've done this in New Orleans if Booth hadn't shown up or left her side for more than a bathroom break. As she thought back over the last feew months, she'd had so much support in everything especially this last case, but it wasn't enough, she still felt alone, unloved, unlovable, and numb.

She gasped as she dragged the piece of sharp black plastic across her wrist. She felt the rush of endorphins and she avidly watched as the blood slowly seeped out of the cut. She'd found long ago that her method was the most effective and the scars disappeared relatively quickly. As she watched her blood clot, she realized it was a good thing she was leaving for her extended trip to Darfur, because she didn't have a plausible excuse for the existence of the cut marks and she's sure Booth would notice eventually. And so she mentally thanked David for turning out to be a cult recruiter so she had her normal reason for going away for awhile, and Ange wouldn't question it.


	4. Aliens in a Spaceship

Slight, barely noticeable spoiler for either The Truth in the Lye or The Girl in Suite 2103.

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She let out a sigh after she closed the door. After an hour of arguing with the paramedics and another hour with Booth she was finally home. She knew that she shouldn't feel this desperate, but she did. And she felt alone, that no one cared. She knew that Booth and Ange cared, she knew that the only reason Ange wasn't here with her was that she was helping Hodgins tonight. She knew that Booth would've stayed if she asked, but she couldn't ask especially since she knew from the way he'd acted in the last few months that he had a new girlfriend. And that's why it hadn't even occurred to him that she wouldn't want to be alone tonight.

After she got out of the shower, she pulled on her robe and settled in on her couch, intending to lose herself in some free-form jazz, yet she couldn't relax. She kept expecting to find herself back in that cramped car, dying. If she wasn't so sore from the explosion and the rest of the horrible experience, she'd be finding someone to satisfy her urges, proving to herself that she's still alive, that she'll be able to continue on. As she was lost in thought the jazz cd had finished so when the clock chimed the hour, she jumped and was surprised to find herself crying, sobbing really. As she brushed away her tears the saline solution stung as it hit a scrape on her hand. And before she could even think twice she was breaking another plastic fork in half and using the jagged edge to carve proof of her life out of her arm. As she watched the blood flow freely, she considered how in other times and cultures this act would be socially acceptable, an honor even, a sacrifice to the gods of the time. She vaguely wondered what Booth would think if he saw he, would he even notice? Even care? But she pushed those thoughts away, and was finally able to relax enough to cry herself to sleep.

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I have two more chapters written that I just need to type, hopefully I'll get to that right now, if not in a few days. Please review.


	5. The Boneless Bride in the River

Hello again, there will be another chapter soon, I promise, or as close as promise as a procrastinator can... hopefully, I'm still not quite sure I like how it reads on paper... But as it stands now, its longer than any previous chapters and with have a surprise guest.

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She couldn't believe he left or that he thought even for a nanosecond that she could leave everyone and everything, her entire life behind to go sailing away with him. Booth had vouched for him, and she had therefore trusted him and had taken a chance on trying to love him. And as much as she was angry at him, anger was not her primary emotion. She found that once again she felt alone, that to others she was worthless, a throwaway, a commodity to be used then discarded. And even though she knew for a fact that her team wouldn't agree with that sentiment she still felt it, and it was all-consuming, she couldn't escape it. All she could do, all she wanted to do was to curl up in the security of a loved one's embrace, yet there were no loved one to be found, for she was truly alone, and even the memory of Booth standing there, waiting for her couldn't stop the dark despair from encircling her tonight, from feeding on her soul.

In her mind's eye she saw Angela and Hodgins sitting together, enjoying a quiet evening. She could see Booth and Parker playing a board game or watching a movie, love encompassing everything around them. She could even see Cam having a night out with her latest boy-toy and Zach video-chatting with his family. All of them happy and loved, none of them able to understand where she was and where she had been. None of them being able to even conceive of the depths of her despair. And that's what led her to yet another round of cutting.

After the effects of the endorphins kicked in, she realized she'd screwed up, because Booth would be paying extra attention to her in the next few days and she didn't have an excuse for how she'd gotten the cuts. And so she then spent the next two hours searching for a plausible scenario, a viable story for the marks on her wrist.

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Anyway, reviews are always welcome.

Ooo, I know, as encouragement to review, I challenge you to take a stab at guessing which episode my next chapter takes on...


	6. The Wannabe in the Woods

_A/N: So yeah this is the last chapter I have completely written so far, so there's no telling when the next chapter will be posted._

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She knew she hadn't done anything like this in over a year. It had been a good year, she had gotten her family back. Booth had given her her family back and gotten her to see that they loved her. Booth had been her rock, her paladin, her best friend, her everything. He had promised to never leave her, yet that was exactly what he did. He stepped in front of a bullet, he died, he left her to go to his supposed heaven, and now she was left even more alone than ever before. He had given her hope for more, for love, "everything happens eventually". He'd been hinting to more between them for so long that she had started to just accept that they would get there, that it would happen, and now it never would, she wasn't sure she could deal with that, she couldn't compartmentalize that disappointment. Despite what she told Angela years ago, she knew that Booth was a single occurrence in the universe, that he was a singularity in her life, that she'd never get another chance at love.

She knew that the simple rush of endorphins wouldn't relieve her despair, in the two weeks since he died she'd tried cutting herself and found that it just made her depression worse as she thought of Booth seeing her do this. Her despair had been growing every day that went by without seeing Booth, without hearing his voice. She just couldn't go on without him, she had tried, had truly given it her best shot and she found that she failed. Her life was worthless without him to share it with her. She knew that her death would hurt Angela and the rest of her team, but they would survive it. They'd be fine after a few weeks, just as they were all almost over Booth's death.

She had given it a lot of careful thought and decided that the quickness of bleeding out outweighed the painlessness of over medicating. She had planned it out, she would cut her jugular and carotid arteries while sitting in her living room, she had moved away all of the artifacts she had that were in the possible path of her blood. She had even written out a brief note explaining why she did it and a few simple requests that she wanted done after she was gone like making sure that Angela kept an eye on Parker.

Just as she raised the sharpened knife to her throat her phone rang, breaking her concentration and startling her. No ever called her landline, and since her curiosity got the better of her, she decided to wait for the answering machine to pick it up and see if her mystery caller would leave a message, thereby revealing their identity to her.

"Hey honey, I just heard about what happened to Booth, and I know right now it seems like the all-consuming grief will never end, but trust me and my experience, it will get better in time, you'll always miss him and love him, but you'll find that the pain will fade and soften and one day you'll be able to move on with your life, and if you ever need to talk I'm here for you. Anyway call me when you get a chance. Kisses baby."

Sighing she put the knife down. After listening to her father she knew she couldn't carry out her plan tonight, she felt so guilty about it, she owed it to her father, to Booth to give it one more day. And if she could just avoid going to Booth's funeral she'd complete it tomorrow night.

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_A/N: Come on and review! or at least take a guess at when the next chapter will take place! Love to everyone!_


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